When Chris was first diagnosed, the consultant told Chris not to make any knee jerk reactions, to take time to assess the situation before we made any serious decisions. We did go into panic mode though, how was he going to farm, would we have to move, how would it affect his brother, what about the animals etc, etc. The thing is, we did have that knee jerk reaction, but after the family got together and talked about how the farm would be run, we realised we didn`t have to move and we are gradually changing the type of farming we do so that Chris`s brother can manage more on his own, not that Chris is completely letting go just yet, but at least when he does have to give up work completely, we won`t have to give up our home either. It is so important to take time and not to make any rash decisions.
I know I`ve mentioned this before, that I have come across a lot of positive people who have MND, which is brilliant, but I`m not so naive as to think that everyone who has it can feel that way, not at first anyway. I can quite understand why anyone would feel just anger and despair. I was reading about a lady who has just been diagnosed, she seemed fairly young and she was very angry, I totally get that. To get this diagnosis is the most awful thing and the younger you are, the more so. Chris cries about it every now and then, but he says he has done everything he ever wanted to do, including getting married and having a child, but I think that`s just his way of dealing with it, of accepting it. I do know there are other things he wanted to do and maybe he still can, but he doesn`t seem to be angry that he might not be able to. I think what he is trying to say is that he is luckier than some, he got to do many of the things he wanted to do, someone who gets MND young, they might never get to have children for example, they miss out on so much. Don`t get me wrong, he`s not happy about it, he`s devastated, but he`s never been one to get angry about any thing. I don`t feel like that, I feel he is being cheated of his future and so are the children and I and it does make me angry. Of course it`s perfectly natural to get angry, it`s part of the grieving process for the loss of your future and for the unfairness of it all, but it can be self destructive if it is all consuming, if it turns into bitterness. It can eat you up and spit you out .Better to turn that anger into a positive thing and to use it to fight, to fight to live, to fight for a cure.
At the moment Chris is just getting on with trying to farm, which is already miles away from what he used to do and the MND is always with him. He has to use a mobility scooter to get around the farm for example, but his routine hasn`t altered too much for now. I do know it literally takes up all his energy, perhaps he is too tired to get angry? I wonder how he will be when he won`t be able to get out and work. Will anger kick in then? I`m trying to prepare myself for all kinds of emotions when that time happens. Perhaps it`s that stage that fires people up more. I don`t know. I don`t have any answers, just thoughts and observations. I can`t let myself worry about the future too much as there is nothing I can do about it and if I do let myself go there it`s a very scary and sad place, so I try to take life one day at a time. For now Chris comes in from the farm and greets me with a smile on his face. I guess for now, I can`t ask for more than that, well, yes I can, I can ask for a cure....please.
