I wrote in my last blog that we had got used to things for now and how life was 'boring' in a good way.
The thing is having a breather from progression etc has allowed thoughts to creep into my head. I have felt muggy, and have had some really weird bad dreams. I haven't felt myself at all.
To digress for a moment.
I cared for my mum who had Alzheimer's a few years ago. I had hoped to care for her till the end, but I hadn't banked on the psychological side of things, plus Chloe was only 11 when mum moved in and she found it hard too, all of us did and there were seven of us including mum living here at the time. Coping with the physical problems was easy compared to the other side. In the end, after two years, I could cope no more with mum's delusions and memory problems and with my sister's support mum went into a care home in the village. She was actually very happy there and it was only when she broke her hip (she was a wanderer) and ended up at the mercy of the NHS/bed blocking etc, that she really went down hill. Seven months later she passed away in a nursing home, a literal shell of her other self. The reason I mention this is that I still carry a lot of guilt about that, even though I know I did the right thing for all of us, a part of me feels I let her down. I also put up a wall around myself, never grieved properly and did what I do best to cope and that was to eat away the pain.
I mentioned this because I suddenly got scared this week, I no longer eat to self medicate and am in fact losing weight with a slimming club, but I still had this barrier up. I dealt with it by writing this blog, planning future things like when we will eventually move into Chris's dad's bungalow in the future. It helped me feel in control of a situation neither of us really have any control of. Anything to stop me actually 'feeling' if I could help it. I'm not sure how, but this week that barrier came down and I suddenly felt very vulnerable. What if I let Chris down? What if I can't look after him properly? How will I cope with out him? I will look after Chris of course, most definitely till the end, but those thoughts scared me. I was starting to feel physically really rough, in the past I would turn to food, but I don't need to do that any more so now I did what I should have done, and I opened up to my darling husband and he listened like he always does and he cuddled me and we talked, a weight was suddenly lifted from my shoulders.
I really need to learn live in the here and now and stop planning for stuff that hasn't happened yet. It just brings the inevitable future into today and neither of us need that. I need to not be such a control freak as well and I also need to forgive myself for past decisions which were made with the best of intentions. I need to stop putting up barriers to protect myself from pain, because to feel pain means we have loved and of that there is no doubt.
I wish to God this bloody awful disease hadn't entered our lives, but it has and we can do nothing about that. I am sure this won't be the last time that I feel like this, but I am going to try and take a leaf out of Chris's book and just take it one day at a time.
