I feel I am being carried along on this bereavement wave, not quite knowing where I am going or what the hell I am doing.
Chloe came home yesterday with Tom, it was so good to see her, we cuddled so hard at the airport and shed some tears. She feels so guilty that she wasn't there when Chris died, but I don't think he would have wanted her to see that. She misses him terribly. I gave her his wedding ring, it will be a special keepsake for her, something of her dad's. I will get her a chain so that she can wear it around her neck. She said she will never take it off.
Chloe is so full of anxiety and isn't sure if she can sing tomorrow, but that is OK, it will be a difficult day for all of us, we have had lots of hugs and cuddles and talked about Chris loads.
A strange thing happened last night. I was very restless all night, I woke suddenly and all of a sudden I saw this huge photographic montage of photos of Chris, so many photos, it was right there in front of me and then all the photos separated and drifted apart and slowly each one burst in stardust. It wasn't a dream I swear, it was real, or maybe I imagined it, I don't know, it seemed very real. It didn't frighten me and it was strangely comforting, I can't explain it, but I felt like my darling boy was there.
Chloe didn't sleep, she is so full of fear and anxiety about tomorrow. It will be a difficult day for us all, saying farewell to my boy, but I hope he will feel all the love that there is for him. She decided she wanted to see Chris. It was tough for her and she did cry, but I think with time she will be glad she went. I said my final farewell to my boy in there too. It is strange, I feel more disbelief in some ways about all of this than I did the day Chris died, so many conflicting feelings and emotions.
Later this afternoon we took Chloe's PA system down to the church and set it all up. Chloe changed her mind about which song she wanted to sing, even though she may not be able to sing it anyway. It will not be on the order of service, so if she changes her mind it will not matter a bit.
I need to try and get some sleep, tomorrow will be a long and emotional day, I actually feel nothing at the moment, it is all like one bad dream. I will hate that walk into the church with everyone staring at me, at us. The funeral service, the Wake, the cremation service, so many farewells, so many goodbyes.
Nothing will bring you back, nothing will fill that hole in my heart.
Look what you have done MND, look what you have stolen, you have no remorse, you have no compassion, just a selfish greed to steal life. I hate you so much.
