I was so tired yesterday, lack of sleep and grief made me so very tired. Denise and Kevin were so sorry to not have been here when you left us, but they were soon after. Jordan, Tamara and Tracey were here too. We have all supported each other in our grief at losing you. I didn't know it would be so quick, when I told you you would get sleepy I thought it would be just that, I did not know we would lose you so soon. The doctor told me you were struggling my darling, your lungs just couldn't get enough air in, you had suffered enough, your body needed peace.
It was so hard telling Chloe my darling, to hear her cry on the phone and not being able to hug her, it was so hard, she was with Tom at least.
Jordan has been so good Chris, he phoned Jem and Fred for you, I could hear him, it was very hard for him, but he did it all the same.
I went to bed in our own bed last night, the room felt empty and cold without you. I took that special pillow that you were lying on and put it in the bed, I could smell you and hug it and make believe it was you. I found myself wanting your things. I keep your blue spotted hankie with me, it helps me feel close to you, is that daft.? I have put all your things safe my darling, I have thrown nothing away, they are all still here for you.
We had such different tastes didn't we my darling, opposites in so many ways, but recently we would love to watch Casualy and Holby City together snuggled up in bed. I took a whisky to bed last night, partly to help me sleep and partly in honour of you, to raise a toast to you. So many raised a glass to you , that moved me so much. I fell asleep watching Casualty, at least sleep came to me then.
I have been over whelmed my darling at the love and support people have shown who don't even know us, so much kindness and love, I guess your story touched people so much. I wrote a blog yesterday too, I needed to get it all down, I was always weird like that wasn't I Chris? I talk way too much. I couldn't believe this morning that it has had over 1000 views, I don't know that many people Chris, I don't understand, all I do is share my thoughts.
I am still lost without you my darling, the void you have left is so deep, how do I cope with your loss? I want you back so much. Tam got into bed with me this morning and we hugged and cried and I found that video of you I did last year when you were merry on a whisky mac, do you remember? I love that so much because you told me you loved me and you were so happy and smiling in spite of everything, but that was you Chris, that was always you.
I chatted to Chloe, she said she is numb, I hope she will be OK, you know how she bottles things up. She wants to sing at your funeral my darling, can you believe that, I thought she would find it too hard, but that is Chloe, that is how she expresses things, though music.
Anyway, sleep well my darling, I feel you with me in my heart.
I will love you always.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
