What is grief? I should be able to say, I am living it, but I don't really know. It is sadness, it is loss, it is tears, it is anger, but at the moment it is total numbness, I do get tearful, but mainly at night, that is the worst time. I hate going to bed, it would be so easy just to sleep in the lounge, but I make myself go to bed. The loss, it is the hardest then, sleeping in a big bed meant for two, an empty space that should be filled, quoting my daughter, 'Deserted bed sheets haunt my night.' that is so hard to live with. I have photos around me, I have my photo pillow to cuddle. I have my mementos, the silly sentimental things. I have a spotted hanky that Chris had with him when he died and I can't part with it, I tuck it in my waist band during the day and I hold it at night. I get panicky if I drop it, how weird is that? It is a link I suppose, a bridge from here to beyond the veil.
Yesterday I felt crap, I wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there and wait for this dark cloud to pass. My head was thick and heavy and I was feeling pretty low and sorry for myself. I took to my bed and wallowed in my grief.
Today is another day and it is 4 weeks today since Chris died and I miss him so bloody much, he should be here with me, it is just not fair.
It was his wish though to have some of his ashes scattered on the farm, so some of the family joined me and we walked out to the river today and I scattered them on the hillside there. It is strange, I felt so bad yesterday, but today I was numb again, it felt so weird, there I was scattering some of the remains of my boy and I felt nothing, yet I cannot bare to let go of a hanky of his, this grief thing is very strange.
I had set up a bereavement group, rather naively, not knowing so many would want to join and I realised that I am not really in a place to help others yet or take on board their own pain. I felt bad about that, but it is enough dealing with my own and my children`s grief at the moment. I am glad I set the group up as it was obviously sorely needed and thankfully someone else has taken on running it, but for now I need to step back and just be a bit selfish.
I guess we all need to take grief one day at a time and ride that wave. It is horrible when it hits for sure, but I am certainly not alone with it, I wish it weren`t so, but I`m not.
Tomorrow is another day, let`s see what it brings.
