Since Chris died I have heard of 4 more people who have died from MND, people I have gotten to know over the past 16 months. Every single one is a tragedy and every single one is heartbreaking. It is the inevitability of MND which is so scary and cruel, let alone what it does to a person. Once you are told, 'I am sorry, you have MND' you are given a death sentence, not quite knowing when your end will come, but knowing it will all the same, while that damn disease steals your physical abilities from you bit by bit for good measure.
For now I have tried to hide away from most of social media, I am not strong enough at the moment to share other's grief, it is hard enough dealing with my own, but I will come back fighting, I am not sure how yet or when, but I will.
I am off to spend a few days with my youngest next week, who needs her mum, she does not find sharing her grief easy, we are all different in that respect and sometimes she tells me off for being so open. We have a fun weekend planned, though it will be strange for me to be up there without Chris. We first noticed something was wrong on our second visit to see Chloe two years ago in November, he couldn't keep up with us as we were walking around and Chloe and I teased him about it. Chris just said he liked window shopping, little did we know. It is hard to believe that a month earlier he had been carrying all of Chloe's belongings up 4 steep flights of stairs into her student bedsit, up and down, up and down, just one or two flights nearly killed this little dumpling.
The days seem very long now, I have no focus and still seem to wander around looking for something, not knowing what. I am not weeping and whaling 24/7, I am mostly numb, with just such a sense of loss and emptiness. Even now I cannot quite believe Chris has gone. The nights are the worse, I miss him the most then, during the day I can find distractions even if I am like a butterfly flitting from one thing to the next.
Well the ripples of MND spread far and wide, an era truly has ended for us, but life has to go on, I owe my darling boy that much, else him dying would be an even bigger waste. On the occasions I think 'What is the point.' I make myself think everything is the point. Chris wanted to live with every fibre of his body, but that choice was taken from him, I have the choice to live and for my boy I will take life and live it for him as well as myself. He would not have wanted it any other way.
