Last weekend was poignant for me in many ways. It was six months on Saturday since MND took my darling Chris, where has that time gone? I am learning to be independent and live without him, but the missing him never ends and neither do the flash backs to his last few hours. Fortunately I have family and friends who don't mind me talking about it and that helps a bit.
Sunday was Mother's Day and while I remembered my mum who passed away in 2012, the person I cried for was Chris, how wierd is that?
On Tuesday my sister-in-law and I went to the Cornish MNDa branch lunch up in Newquay. I found it a very difficult experience as last year Chris came too and seeing others with MND, well it dug stuff up I guess. One lady who cares for her brother, he was there too and he has had MND for 7 years I think, told me that she thought it was better if it took you quicker as she though it was crueller if you lived longer. I won't lie, I fought back the tears when she said that to me as despite all of the things MND had taken from Chris physically and with the farm, he would have given anything for a few more years with us all, especially to see Chloe reach 21 and graduate. Of course the last month for him had been awful as he couldn't breathe, but if the progression had stopped in June I know he could have coped with that for many years to be able to stay with us all. I know that lady didn't mean to upset me and I don't know their circumstances, but I know of many people who have had MND for many years and are still glad to be alive and are living life the best they can in the circumstances. Of course I just want Chris back end of, I didn't want him to leave me. Having said all that the people there were lovely and it was good to see such a small branch so well supported.
In two weeks Chris's ashes will be interned in the village churchyard next to his parents. It has been strangely comforting to have his casket here with me and yes I kiss him good night and tell him I love him every day. It will be strange when that day comes, but I am fortunate that the churchyard is literally next door, so he won't be very far away.
I am still busy planning the MNDa music event and auction we are holding in the autumn, sorting out the basic logistics of timings etc with three bands and an auction is challenging, but friends in the bands are advising me, so that helps. It is good to have something positive to focus on and The Brighton Marathon is getting ever closer and I will travel up to cheer Chloe and Tom on.
I am getting back into my painting and I surprisingly had three of my paintings picked for a local art fair, that boosted my confidence a bit and painting is good therapy for me.
Life has to go on, it isn't always easy, but go on it must.
