No. 277. 'A paradox.'

It is strange and I am not sure if this is normal, but the more time that passes since Chris died and the more I feel I am adapting and moving on and trying to get involved with things, the more withdrawn I am becoming. Leaving the house becomes an act of procrastination unless I really have to go somewhere and when I am out I feel I am on the end of a very long bungey chord, being pulled back home whether I want to or not.

Barring the odd two or three MND friends I have gotten to know, I do not wish to share mine or hear others stories of grief. It is inevitable in this MND world I now live in that there are constant reminders of others taken by this disease and constant posts of grief and loss. The same world that has saved and comforted me throughout this nightmare can also be like salt in the wound. Everything is a paradox.

Is this how grief goes? The endless numbness, telling everyone you are OK, because explaining otherwise is just too much effort and you know that won't be what they want to hear. Where do I find the strength to climb out of this grief quicksand of apathy and withdrawal. Will it pass? Is this normal? Do I just ride it? If I stop struggling will I stay afloat longer? 

The last thing I want is others sympathy, I never could stand that, I hate being fussed over. I just want to feel properly happy again, to wish Chris was still here and that MND never existed.