I truly never really thought that would be our last new year together. We both thought Chris had more time.
Yet here I am facing a new year without my boy in my life. My children are grown up and moving on with their lives and that is as it should be, but I am spending more and more time alone. Imagining a future by myself takes some thought. I am still a little lost as to where to go with my life. I would like a job, a real purpose again. I would like to paint again properly. I want to learn how to live alone and not be scared by that thought. I will never stop missing Chris or loving him, but as much as I dream and fantasise, he is never coming back. I am not sure I will entirely come to terms with that fact and I am not sure I really want to.
It will always be wrong that he is not here, that he got this awful disease, that we will never know why. The changes and losses we have both had to deal with over the past 12 months have been too much to bear at times, but that is life and I have learned on more than one occasion in my life that you never know what is around the corner and not to take anything for granted.
When I first thought Chris might have MND I couldn't quite comprehend it. It was one of those 'But this only happens to other people.' kind of moments. I knew enough about this disease even then to know how scary it was. Sometimes our fears do become our nightmares, sometimes bad things are all to real.
Tonight I will be with all my family, excepting Chloe and Tom as they are sharing new year with his family. We shall all though raise a glass to a most wonderful man, we shall mourn that he is not with us, but be grateful that he was part of our lives for as long as he was. He saved me and brought me back to life many years ago and now I need to try and move on, but it will not be easy. He will always be with me, I know he will and when the bad days hit I will grieve and cry and succumb to the wave and wait for him save me again as the wave passes once more.
I also remember all the brave MND Warriors I have gotten to know and particulary remember those who have become MND Angels like Chris. Too many brave souls that have been taken too soon, too many broken hearts that have been left behind. I will fight back as best I can to help the MNDa, along with 1000's of others, to find a cure for all those who are still fighting for their lives.
To my Christopher.
I will do my best my darling boy to not let you down, to make the right choices, to take care of your daughter and your legacy. I will do my best to live each day with you and for you, to never forget you, to never stop loving you, to make sure you are with us when the special times come. You live on in your daughter, I see you in her smile, and you will live on in your future grandchildren. You will have the love of us all forever.
Fly free my darling, fly free.
