After weeks of nothing but numbness I have been smacked in the face by grief big time. I have no idea what set it off today in particular, preparing for Christmas maybe, I don't know. I have been having flash backs all day of the last hour of Chris's life and feeling that kind of guilt that everyone feels when someone dies, wondering if I should have, could have done more. The tears won't stop flowing.
Some people have said to me that at least when you know someone is going to die you can be prepared, that it is better than a sudden death, but I don't think there is any difference. I didn't expect Chris to die at that moment, that hour, that day and the torture of watching someone you love die slowly in front of you is absolute hell, let alone what they are going through. Maybe it is this month, this special time of Christmas, that has made it feel worse.
We were all used to Chris working over Christmas when he was well, the cattle still needed looking after, but he went to midnight mass religiously every Christmas Eve (excuse the pun) and we had our little routines. He and I always opened up our stockings full of silly cheap pressies before we went to sleep on Christmas Eve and then he was always in around 8am, after having gone out to work at 6am, for pressie opening and would be in again for the Christmas dinner and then stay in for a couple of hours after to play games and stuff. It will be so strange without him here this year and he will be sorely missed. We want to try and have a special day though, even though Chris won't be here in the physical sense, we will lay a place for him at the table and I know he will be with us in spirit.
Little sparks of light can perk you up though. I noticed I had a £20 donation on my JustGiving page, it was from Chloe. She had baked a load of cup cakes and taken them into BIMM. She didn't think she had been very successful as she had trouble selling them, in her words, to 'Tight students.' but to think she went to so much effort, well I couldn't have been more proud if she had raised £2000. I know Chris will have been so proud of her too.
Special times like Christmas are always going to be difficult, the missing him will always be a bit worse then and the hating of MND multiplies far more than I could have ever thought possible. Two conflicting emotions, deepest love and absolute hatred, but I think it will be love that will be MND's downfall eventually, because out of our love comes the determination that a cure will be found one day.
I know it won't bring my darling boy back, but to know that no one will have to watch their loved ones die of the cruelest disease on this planet, well that will be one gift I will treasure for ever.
Meanwhile I will drag myself out of the mud on to 'numbness' beach and wait for the next wave of grief to hit again.
