I think the days away opened that box for many reasons. Chris and I, we have just gotten used to living with MND at home I suppose, but doing something different and realising the things Chris can no longer do, it kind of hits home, especially comparing previous visits up to see Chloe and remembering that it was in Brighton that Chris's limp first became really obvious.
Also seeing Chloe with her first serious boyfriend, the acceptance that she is growing up and becoming independent and then thinking of the future days with the children that Chris will miss. Also the realisation that like many others who have lost someone to any kind of illness; that I will be living alone one day and I cannot imagine the emptiness of my world without Chris in it. I think about the things that I wish we had done together, simple things, but work always got in the way.
See I am wallowing and I don't like it very much. along with the wallowing comes the tears and I don't like them either because along with tears comes the pain and I have never been very good with pain.
I feel so sad having to watch this disease slowly take so much from Chris and us, it is so unfair and cruel. It is downright evil in fact.
I am not going to share this anywhere except for on Blogger. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. These feelings will pass and we all get melancholy sometimes. I am just tired and sad, pretty normal and expected I would think considering.
What ever I am feeling cannot compare to how Chris must feel. I don't want him to die such a cruel death. I don't want him or his smile to leave me. I would do anything if I could turn the clock back and make Chris well again.
This cloud will pass, these dark days always do, but for now I will wallow in my own self pity and grieve over what this awful, awful disease is taking from us all.
