Wednesday 23 March 2016

No.295 'Time for closure.'

Yesterday we laid Christopher's ashes to rest along side his parents in the old churchyard beside his beloved church. It took a while to arrange as I had to get permission from the diocese for his ashes to be be buried in a closed churchyard and that took a few months.

It was emotional as you would expect, but I am also happy that his final wish has at last been granted and I am still only two minutes walk away from where he lies.

I have decided it is time to bring my MND blog to a close. All I can write about now is my grief and healing and everyone experiences that at sometime or other. It is something I don't particularly wish to share anymore. I cannot keep picking at the wound if I need to learn to live without Chris, I need to plan and live my life without him. Of course it is not what I want, but it is what it is and Chris would not want it any other way.

I am grateful to the almost 100,000 views I have had on my blog since June 2014. I was and still am overwhelmed that anyone would want to read it let alone so many from all over the world. I have have been told by many in a similar situation that it has helped them and that is very humbling.

Although I will still be involved in fundraising at various times in the future it is time for me to step back  from MND, it consumed Chris's life, I won't let it consume mine too, however selfish that may seem.

Thank you to all of you who have followed this blog, take care and much love to you all. 



Thursday 10 March 2016

No. 294. 'Time moves on.'


Last weekend was poignant for me in many ways. It was six months on Saturday since MND took my darling Chris, where has that time gone? I am learning to be independent and live without him, but the missing him never ends and neither do the flash backs to his last few hours. Fortunately I have family and friends who don't mind me talking about it and that helps a bit.

Sunday was Mother's Day and while I remembered my mum who passed away in 2012, the person I cried for was Chris, how wierd is that? 

On Tuesday my sister-in-law and I went to the Cornish MNDa branch lunch up in Newquay. I found it a very difficult experience as last year Chris came too and seeing others with MND, well it dug stuff up I guess. One lady who cares for her brother, he was there too and he has had MND for 7 years I think, told me that she thought it was better if it took you quicker as she though it was crueller if you lived longer. I won't lie, I fought back the tears when she said that to me as despite all of the things MND had taken from Chris physically and with the farm, he would have given anything for a few more years with us all, especially to see Chloe reach 21 and graduate. Of course the last month for him had been awful as he couldn't breathe, but if the progression had stopped in June I know he could have coped with that for many years to be able to stay with us all. I know that lady didn't mean to upset me and I don't know their circumstances, but I know of many people who have had MND for many years and are still glad to be alive and are living life the best they can in the circumstances. Of course I just want Chris back end of, I didn't want him to leave me. Having said all that the people there were lovely and it was good to see such a small branch so well supported.

In two weeks Chris's ashes will be interned in the village churchyard next to his parents. It has been strangely comforting to have his casket here with me and yes I kiss him good night and tell him I love him every day. It will be strange when that day comes, but I am fortunate that the churchyard is literally next door, so he won't be very far away. 

I am still busy planning the MNDa music event and auction we are holding in the autumn, sorting out the basic logistics of timings etc with three bands and an auction is challenging, but friends in the bands are advising me, so that helps. It is good to have something positive to focus on and The Brighton Marathon is getting ever closer and I will travel up to cheer Chloe and Tom on. 

I am getting back into my painting and I surprisingly had three of my paintings picked for a local art fair, that boosted my confidence a bit and painting is good therapy for me. 

Life has to go on, it isn't always easy, but go on it must.